When your parent doesn't see you or keep in contact, it can be difficult for your relationship with the parent. While this isn't an issue in some divorces, it is definitely a prevalent one in others.
Why?
This is one of the most pressing question on my mind when a parent hasn't seen their child for an extended period of time or doesn't contact them. Is it court ordered? Is it for the child's safety? Is it their choice? The answer to this question definitely has an impact on the nature of this separation. If it's court ordered or for your safety, it is more understandable. Sadly, in many cases, a parent chooses not to see or speak with their children.
It's Been a While
We're not talking a few days or a couple of weeks. Some parents withdraw from their children's lives for months, even years, some by choice. From my personal experience, I can tell you that this is very difficult. After all of this time, most days I don't even remember my other parent exists. They've been out of my life for so long that I don't know who they are and I don't think they'd know me. As many children of divorce do, I think of all of the things I've accomplished, stuff I'd normally be able to tell the other parent. But my experiences in the time my parent has been out of my life have made into a completely different person. If you're facing an absent parent, you know that forgetting a parent is unnerving feeling. The worst part is that there's not always something you can do to fix it. I recommend trying to keep in touch with them. If that doesn't work, you're left with no choice but to forget and hope you'll find each other later in life.
Sunday, December 15, 2013
There's Nothing Like Divorcing Parents for the Holidays
Hi everyone! Sorry I've taken so long to update this blog. Life's been busy. I wish I could say that I could say that I stopped writing for a while because my parents' weren't still divorcing, but that's not true. It's been two and a half years and nothing is settled. So, in my years of experience, I can tell you that the holidays can be a difficult time for us children of divorce.
Changes
The hardest part about the holidays during or in the aftermath of divorce is noticing all of the differences. Suddenly, it's not both of my parents sitting on the sofa while my brother and I dole out gifts. Now, we don't keep up my dad's tradition of celebrating Chanukah, because he took all the menorahs and doesn't want to even see us. When you're used to the holidays being 'family time', holidays in the midst of divorce can see like a disheartening parody. The important thing to remember is that this is all temporary. These changes are bound to keep changing. Look at it as a reason why the holidays will be even more memorable this year.
There's No Place Like Home for the Holidays
If your parents are separated, you may think of one house as 'home' or you may feel closer to one of your parents. You deserve to be wherever you feel most comfortable whenever you want, but especially during the holidays. Your parents should respect your happiness however it comes to you. In other words, YOU need to tell THEM how you want to spend the holidays. It doesn't matter what the custody agreement says. If you want to be with one parent, or both, for the holidays, they should make the effort to make that happen for you.
How about some spite in your stocking?
Sadly, some parents take their anger at the other and the divorce out on you. While money may be tight for your parents, you should still get a reasonable amount of presents in comparison to what you're used to.
Some parents give you nothing, which can be a huge disappointment and feel like betrayal. Here's what I recommend: show them you are more mature than they are and get them a gift. (It doesn't have to be anything extravagant.) Let them know in the card that you were disappointed that they would not share in the holiday spirit with you this year. Hopefully, this will show them how they should have behaved.
On another note, parents can be tricky in gifts around the holidays. They may try a ploy to turn your favor against the other parent. For example, one of my parents gave my brother and I checks for $50 each. Then, our child support check that month was $100 less. So my parent wasn't really 'giving' us anything, they just gave us what they have to in order to feed us and provide our necessities. The devious part of this is that it seems like the other parent has less for us because they have less money to spend on groceries that month. If this happens to you, my advice is to tell your parent that what they did was not in the spirit of the holidays, that it was mean, and that you are disappointed in them. They need to realize that it is NOT okay to manipulate your feeling towards your other parent.
Finally, remember to watch out for the parents who will try to give you extravagant gifts to win favoritism. See my earlier post about this: http://deardivorcediarykids.blogspot.com/2013/01/popularity-contest.html. Sure, the extra stuff is nice, but it's not what's important.
Remember, the holidays are a time to be happy. Maybe your family isn't perfect this holiday season, but they're your family. Happy holidays!
Changes
The hardest part about the holidays during or in the aftermath of divorce is noticing all of the differences. Suddenly, it's not both of my parents sitting on the sofa while my brother and I dole out gifts. Now, we don't keep up my dad's tradition of celebrating Chanukah, because he took all the menorahs and doesn't want to even see us. When you're used to the holidays being 'family time', holidays in the midst of divorce can see like a disheartening parody. The important thing to remember is that this is all temporary. These changes are bound to keep changing. Look at it as a reason why the holidays will be even more memorable this year.
There's No Place Like Home for the Holidays
If your parents are separated, you may think of one house as 'home' or you may feel closer to one of your parents. You deserve to be wherever you feel most comfortable whenever you want, but especially during the holidays. Your parents should respect your happiness however it comes to you. In other words, YOU need to tell THEM how you want to spend the holidays. It doesn't matter what the custody agreement says. If you want to be with one parent, or both, for the holidays, they should make the effort to make that happen for you.
How about some spite in your stocking?
Sadly, some parents take their anger at the other and the divorce out on you. While money may be tight for your parents, you should still get a reasonable amount of presents in comparison to what you're used to.
Some parents give you nothing, which can be a huge disappointment and feel like betrayal. Here's what I recommend: show them you are more mature than they are and get them a gift. (It doesn't have to be anything extravagant.) Let them know in the card that you were disappointed that they would not share in the holiday spirit with you this year. Hopefully, this will show them how they should have behaved.
On another note, parents can be tricky in gifts around the holidays. They may try a ploy to turn your favor against the other parent. For example, one of my parents gave my brother and I checks for $50 each. Then, our child support check that month was $100 less. So my parent wasn't really 'giving' us anything, they just gave us what they have to in order to feed us and provide our necessities. The devious part of this is that it seems like the other parent has less for us because they have less money to spend on groceries that month. If this happens to you, my advice is to tell your parent that what they did was not in the spirit of the holidays, that it was mean, and that you are disappointed in them. They need to realize that it is NOT okay to manipulate your feeling towards your other parent.
Finally, remember to watch out for the parents who will try to give you extravagant gifts to win favoritism. See my earlier post about this: http://deardivorcediarykids.blogspot.com/2013/01/popularity-contest.html. Sure, the extra stuff is nice, but it's not what's important.
Remember, the holidays are a time to be happy. Maybe your family isn't perfect this holiday season, but they're your family. Happy holidays!
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