Who are you again?

When your parent doesn't see you or keep in contact, it can be difficult for your relationship with the parent. While this isn't an issue in some divorces, it is definitely a prevalent one in others.

Why?
This is one of the most pressing question on my mind when a parent hasn't seen their child for an extended period of time or doesn't contact them. Is it court ordered? Is it for the child's safety? Is it their choice? The answer to this question definitely has an impact on the nature of this separation. If it's court ordered or for your safety, it is more understandable. Sadly, in many cases, a parent chooses not to see or speak with their children.

It's Been a While
We're not talking a few days or a couple of weeks. Some parents withdraw from their children's lives for months, even years, some by choice. From my personal experience, I can tell you that this is very difficult. After all of this time, most days I don't even remember my other parent exists. They've been out of my life for so long that I don't know who they are and I don't think they'd know me. As many children of divorce do, I think of all of the things I've accomplished, stuff I'd normally be able to tell the other parent. But my experiences in the time my parent has been out of my life have made into a completely different person. If you're facing an absent parent, you know that forgetting a parent is unnerving feeling. The worst part is that there's not always something you can do to fix it. I recommend trying to keep in touch with them. If that doesn't work, you're left with no choice but to forget and hope you'll find each other later in life.

There's Nothing Like Divorcing Parents for the Holidays

Hi everyone! Sorry I've taken so long to update this blog. Life's been busy. I wish I could say that I could say that I stopped writing for a while because my parents' weren't still divorcing, but that's not true. It's been two and a half years and nothing is settled. So, in my years of experience, I can tell you that the holidays can be a difficult time for us children of divorce.

Changes
The hardest part about the holidays during or in the aftermath of divorce is noticing all of the differences. Suddenly, it's not both of my parents sitting on the sofa while my brother and I dole out gifts. Now, we don't keep up my dad's tradition of celebrating Chanukah, because he took all the menorahs and doesn't want to even see us. When you're used to the holidays being 'family time',  holidays in the midst of divorce can see like a disheartening parody. The important thing to remember is that this is all temporary. These changes are bound to keep changing. Look at it as a reason why the holidays will be even more memorable this year.

There's No Place Like Home for the Holidays
If your parents are separated, you may think of one house as 'home' or you may feel closer to one of your parents. You deserve to be wherever you feel most comfortable whenever you want, but especially during the holidays. Your parents should respect your happiness however it comes to you. In other words, YOU need to tell THEM how you want to spend the holidays. It doesn't matter what the custody agreement says. If you want to be with one parent, or both, for the holidays, they should make the effort to make that happen for you.

How about some spite in your stocking?
Sadly, some parents take their anger at the other and the divorce out on you. While money may be tight for your parents, you should still get a reasonable amount of presents in comparison to what you're used to.

Some parents give you nothing, which can be a huge disappointment and feel like betrayal. Here's what I recommend: show them you are more mature than they are and get them a gift. (It doesn't have to be anything extravagant.) Let them know in the card that you were disappointed that they would not share in the holiday spirit with you this year. Hopefully, this will show them how they should have behaved.

On another note, parents can be tricky in gifts around the holidays. They may try a ploy to turn your favor against the other parent. For example, one of my parents gave my brother and I checks for $50 each. Then, our child support check that month was $100 less. So my parent wasn't really 'giving' us anything, they just gave us what they have to in order to feed us and provide our necessities. The devious part of this is that it seems like the other parent has less for us because they have less money to spend on groceries that month. If this happens to you, my advice is to tell your parent that what they did was not in the spirit of the holidays, that it was mean, and that you are disappointed in them. They need to realize that it is NOT okay to manipulate your feeling towards your other parent.

Finally, remember to watch out for the parents who will try to give you extravagant gifts to win favoritism. See my earlier post about this: http://deardivorcediarykids.blogspot.com/2013/01/popularity-contest.html. Sure, the extra stuff is nice, but it's not what's important.




Remember, the holidays are a time to be happy. Maybe your family isn't perfect this holiday season, but they're your family. Happy holidays!

It Goes On and On and On and On and On.......

Ever wish the divorce could be short and sweet. Well, sometimes it's not. But when you're in it for the long haul here's a few tips to keep up your strength.

The Divorce Doesn't Define Your Life
Live your life how you want to, divorce or not. Just because your parents are divorcing, doesn't mean you can't do all the things you used to do.

Look Beyond
Look beyond the divorce. Look towards your future. Maybe you are thinking of college or career. Maybe you just have a hobby you want to continue or start.

Shine!
Even though the statistics say COD (Children of Divorce) are not as successful in life, your success is up to you. Do the extraordinary. Turn everything that's wrong in your life to something good. If your pesky parents are divorcing find a way to help others dealing with divorce. Start a group at school or, hey, you can even start a blog like me so that other kids all over the world can read your ideas.

Sending sunshine and warm thoughts your way!

This Means War

Often times, our parents can be so angry about divorce that it feels as if they are waging war on each other. Hopefully all of their battles can be fought in the courtroom. But what happens when you're sent to the front line?

Sometimes, going to visitation feels like walking into a war zone. Verbal insults, slander, and much more can be found in your parent's arsenal. Here's a few tips to survive your days in the trenches.

Get a Bunker
If you can, find a safe place you can go to escape your parents. Whether it's your room, the coat closet, or a treehouse a bunker is always a god idea.

Shields
Just a knights carry shields to protect themselves from dragons. We should carry a shield against the verbal assaults from our parents. Tell yourself that they are angry and do not mean what they say.

Reason
Try to reason with your parents. Hopefully, they will relent and you can enjoy the time you spend with them.

So Whose Fault Is It, Anyway?

No one takes all of the blame in any divorce. In general any blame should be split equally among your parents. You are not the cause of your parent's divorce just as you are not the one divorcing. It is your parent's fault just as they are the ones divorcing.

Where Did You Go?

Mom and Dad have always been there for you, so why have they stopped talking to you?

Sometimes our parents may seem to forget about us. They don't call you to say good night or miss your big play. This ignorance is the way they are dealing with the divorce, but that doesn't make it right. Try to keep or regain your relationship with your parents. No matter what they do, they are your parents. In my parents' divorce, I went months without seeing or hearing from my father. I called and texted, but he never said anything. He said he wouldn't see us.

So what should you do if one of your parents acts like this?
Tell them how it makes you feel. In the meantime, don't let it get you down.

Are We There Yet?

"Things will get better soon."

"Once the divorce is over things will be okay."

So how soon is soon?
My parents are still divorcing and have been at it for over a year and a half. At the beginning, I thought it would be over in a few months, but it has dragged on. So, whether your parents' divorce is short or long, here's some tips to help on the way:

1. Keep looking towards the light at the end of the tunnel.
It can't go on forever. Just remember that their divorce will be over eventually.

2. Don't be afraid to tell others your feelings.
Divorce may seem like a lonely place to be, but, believe it or not, divorce is quite common. Talk about how it makes you feel if it helps.

3. Don't think about how long your parents have been divorcing.
Instead, think of how much closer the end is.

4. Your life is not divided into before and after.
Sometimes, it's easy for us to use statements like:
"Before the divorce..."
"Ever since the divorce started..."
Just have a positive attitude, this is life, not before and after.



These are just four tips to pass the time. I didn't want to be repetitive, but you'll find that many of my other posts will help with this, too.

 

We Have Rights Too

I found a wonderful Children's Bill of Rights for Divorce. It's a great guide to how your parent's should respect you:

Every child whose parents divorce has:

1. The right to love and be loved by both of your parents without feeling guilt or disapproval.
2. The right to be protected from your parents' anger with each other.
3. The right to be kept out of the middle of your parents' conflict, including the right not to pick sides, carry messages, or hear complaints about the other parent.
4. The right not to have to choose one of your parents over the other.
5. The right not to have to be responsible for the burden of either of your parents' emotional problems.
6. The right to know well in advance about important changes that will affect your life; for example, when one of your parents is going to move or get remarried.
7. The right to reasonable financial support during your childhood and through your college years.
8. The right to have feelings, to express your feelings, and to have both parents listen to how you feel.
9. The right to have a life that is a close as possible to what it would have been if your parents stayed together.
10. The right to be a kid.

Here's where I found it: http://www.emeryondivorce.com/childrens_bill_of_rights_in_divorce.php

 

The Silver Lining

Although your situation may seem stormy, try to find the silver lining. Here's some examples.

I have to stay in a new room, but I get to choose how to paint it! My room is yellow and has flowers. I love it, but now I can have the purple and blue room I've been dreaming of, too.

My parents are busier and don't have as much time for me, but I'm becoming more independent.

Money's tight, but I'm learning how to live on a small budget.

My parents don't help me with my homework anymore, but I've found a great help site with videos, tutorials, and practice problems.

-Sunshine

The Disease of the Dysfunctional

Families who are experiencing trouble like divorce are known as dysfunctional. Sometimes, you friends may treat you differently because of your parents' divorce. Here are some common responses of your friends' behavior:

Pity Party
They may feel bad for you because they can't understand what you are going through. When you just want to have fun like you always do, a pity party can be annoying. They are just trying to show they care, but, if you ask them, they will probably respect if you don't want to talk about it.

Are You Contagious?
Some of your friends may start to ignore or avoid you. They don't understand what you are going through and fear that it will happen to them. Just as if you had a cold they stay away. This notion is completely irrational.

Friends Forever
Your true friends will always be there for you, whether you want to talk about your problems or not. They will still be your playmate and buddy. Divorce is temporary but friends are forever.

 

Hard Facts About Parental Spyware

Although this may not be of consequence for some of us, parents may spy on us to learn about the other parent. What's even worse? Most of it is legal.

The most common spyware is on our cellphones. It is actually very simple to install and, as long as your parent is paying for the phone, they can read every text, access your call record, view what your screen shows (including facebook and email), and possibly use the microphone on your phone as a listening device.

If you think your parents might be doing this, the easiest thing to do is pop out your phone battery. It will alert them that it is out, but they can't spy unless it is in. I know for a fact that my father has spied and continues to spy on me through my cellphones. I would text my younger brother gibberish like "bologna" or "crumpet with your cup of tea" or "there's bigfoot". Every time a text went through my father's phone would do one of the notification ringtones. He would scowl at my brother and I before turning his phone to silent. This seems like an obvious violation of our privacy, but sadly, until we are 18 it is legal.

Social networking and email is another way that parents may try to spy on you. For example, my parents know my login email for facebook. They could click forgot my password and, because they know me well enough, answer my security questions. There is a trick you can use to tell if one of your parents logged into you facebook. In acount settings, go to security. You will see a list of logins as well as the location. This can be very helpful. Other than that, change your passwords often.

Most parents don't spy on us, but for those of us who are unfortunate should be prepared to take passive resistive action.

 

Popularity Contest

It's the War of the Wrapping Paper in some cases, while your parents are divorcing. Trying to impress you or win your feelings can cause your parents to shower you with presents. Dad buys you that new video game you've been wanting and your mom gets you a new bicycle. They may also do things like let you eat ice cream for breakfast or stay up past your bedtime. It all one big popularity contest. Whatever they do, try not to let material things mask the true gestures of love. When you think that your parents are trying to buy your love, ask yourself this question: if my parents weren't divorcing would my mom/dad do this? That question is usually a good indicator. Remember, nothing they buy you can ever take the place of quality time spent together. :)

 

You Matter Most

So you're at your dad's new place and you are homesick. What do you do? If you ever feel uncomfortable somewhere, just remember that, within reason, your word is law. So even if your dad wants to spend time with you, he should, within limits, respect your right as a child to love both your dad and your mom. Your feelings matter most, so don't hesitate to talk about them with your parents. If you are homesick, tell your parent. otherwise, how can they know why you're so blue. You matter the most to your parents.

 

Prying Parents

In too many cases, your parents might try to make you tell them about each other. Whether these inquiries are disguised as casual questions, shouted, or raised at a family discussion, you may not always be comfortable answering them. First, tell your parents how you feel about these questions. Hopefully, they will respect you enough to let their questions drop. If that's not the case, never answer their questions just because you are pressured. You can always just say no.

What happens when your prying parents go beyond the questions and start spying on you? In this highly technological age, it is hard to protect you privacy online and elsewhere. For example, I can personally confirm that my father read my text messages on my phone and logged into my social media accounts like facebook, email, and twitter. Hopefully, none of you out there have this issue, but if you do, here's my advice: confront them. They will either apologize and stop their snooping or deny that they spy on you. If the latter happens and they insist on acting like a little kid, turn it into a game. Rather than fret over your privacy, if you can't stop it, send yourself messages that you know will make no sense to anyone snooping. For instance, I sometimes email myself a message containing only one word, usually, "bologna" or "wow". While it doesn't stop your parent's from spying on you, it may help them realize their foolishness.

 

Find Something

My first piece of advice is to find something that no one can take away from you. This way, when things get bad or confusing, you can always depend on it. For me, that's music. I love to sing and no one can take that away from me. So on nights going between my dad's and mom's while my dad drives angrily, I sing the whole ride home. Even when my dad would turn off the radio, he couldn't stop me from singing. So I encourage you to find something you love to do that you can hold on to. Maybe you like to write plays or stories, or maybe you just like to dance. Whatever your passion may be, hold on to it.

 

Hello and Welcome!

Hi! This blog is meant to be a resource for anyone who has ever or or is currently experiencing divorce. Although each case is different, I hope that what I say helps. As children, we have that unfortunate position of being stuck in the middle of our parents' problems. Some of us will be showered with gifts while others will feel unnoticed. I'm here to share my experiences and what I've learned from them.